Urgent Beach

I decided to walk the length of the bottom of the barranco the other day. To do this you have to make your way down the canyon wall either by a super sketchy trail or the road which takes you quite a bit out of the way. So, being the direct route kinda guy, I made my own way avoiding both of the obvious paths. I bushwhacked my way to the bottom through thorn bushes and a bunch of tropical bullshit. On my way down I found a dead cat and the disgusting end to the sewage system. Lovely discoveries. Already I knew that this was going to be awesome. At the end of the canyon there is a very secluded little beach so I was still motivated to check it out. The trail to the beach has a section that is basically a dark tunnel about 75 yards long which is formed by sugar cane and thorns. I took one look down the dark hole and said "Nope, not going in there". I went up the side of the canyon to find a way around. This is about the time that my bowels started screaming bloody murder. Darcy says that my system is cleaning itself out. I agree with her but does my system have to use a fire hose to clean house? Needless to say, it was emergency purge time. I got to the top of the trail and found a shabby little tee pee made from cane. As I was about to search it for some toilet paper, noises from the bushes in front of me got my attention. Out stumbles this shipwreck of a guy chewing on a leaf and staring at me with crazy eyes. His pants and shirt were torn in the classic Hollywood fashion. The only thing missing was a volleyball named Wilson. I quickly tried to form a coherent Spanish sentence in my head. Something like: tienes papel de culo? Which, for those you that don't know Spanish, means holy shit you look crazy where is your volleyball? He immediately starts babbling in Spanish so I cut him off with my pathetic phrase. He understands what I am asking. I know because he bends over and imitates wiping his butt. Yes, I say with some desperation building. He proceeds to tell me that he has no toilet paper and instead he uses water. I turned to leave but he runs around me and blocks my way saying something like all the toilet paper you ever want is the other way. Which I think meant don't shit on my beach, I live here. "Too bad." I said, "My bowels want what they want". He keeps on babbling and I just wave him off and say, "Adios." In Spanish that means I'm going to shit where you eat. I leave him talking to himself and make my way to the beach. I scramble to find the other end of the dark cane tunnel and make my way inside. I whip down my shorts and do my business. As I am cleaning up in the little creek that runs out of the tunnel my eyes adjust to the dark and I begin to see that some one has made a camp right where my bathroom is. I can see a clothes line and a chair and maybe a person. I don't really know because I just quickly pulled up my pants and took off running with the hair on the back of my neck beginning to stand up. The only obvious route for my escape was deeper into the cane tunnel. It gets super creepy very quickly. I pulled my pocket knife out and ran through the tunnel once again like a panicky nut-bag. I make it to the other side and begin to calm down as soon as I can see the light of day. Eventually my heart stops racing and I make my way back to Darcy's house. I tell her about the freaky castaway guy and she tells me that he is a "skitz-so" named Santiago. She feels bad for me and tells me that she should have warned me about him. She also tells me that he has tormented her in the past. I let her know that I delivered a gift for her.